How to pick up a parcel

Step 1. Receive a claim form that states that this is your final warning to pick up a parcel that is actually called an m.bag.

Step 2. Ignore the fact that you have not received any other notification about this parcel.

Step 3. Go to the post office (a feat unto itself but for another blog) and walk down the steps to the parcel claim area making sure to step over the final step that has been cemented up instead of down.

Step 4. Get told that this parcel is actually upstairs at the other parcel claim area.

Step 5. Step over the inverted step and go up two flights of stairs into the big parcel claim area, walk past the sleeping guard with a machine gun, and present your claim ticket to the woman behind the counter.

Step 6. Have your claim ticket looked at and then be asked for your ID.

Step 7. Have your driver's license closely scrutinized and cross referenced with the claim form and then get sent upstairs to get a photocopy made of your driver's license.

Step 8. Go up yet another set of stairs and tell the guard in the annex that you need a photocopy made of your ID.

Step 9. Be looked at in a funny way and be told that there is no way of having your ID photocopied there.

Step 10. Inform the guard that the woman at the parcel area sent you upstairs for photocopying then have the guard sigh heavily and say that you have to fill in the 'visitor's book' before proceeding

Step 11. Fill in book but leave section "person to see" blank because you don't know who has the photocopier only to be told by the same guard that there is actually no photocopier on the whole floor, no matter who you go to see.

Step 12. Go back down the stairs to see the parcel lady and inform her that there is no photocopier upstairs, see your parcel and suggest she just give it to you but get sent to the main post office to get the photocopy done.

Step 13. Go back down the stairs (careful if that inverted step again) and walk down half a block through newspaper sellers, knife sharpeners, boda drivers, and cars parked on the sidewalk to the entrance of the main post office building.

Step 14. Walk through the doors, stop to get patted down and have your purse checked then walk all the way down the hallway to the entrance of the post office shop (the door closest to the entrance is permanently locked) and ask for three copies of your ID so that next time you don't have to go through these steps again.

Step 15. Pay the 600 shillings (25cents) and walk our of the post office, making sure you exit from the other door and not past the guards who will yell and tell you to use the other door in case you might manage to let someone sneak past them when go out the wrong door.

Step 16. Reverse step 13.

Step 17. Give your photocopy to the lady at the counter and listen to her complain about the lack of photocopiers and how she can't be expected to send her customers all the way to the main office just to get a copy made.

Step 18. Pay the 5,900 shillings and wait while she hunts around for 100 shillings change, asks someone in the back for the 100, and then finds a 100 coin on the edge of her computer.

Step 19. Sign your photocopy and write your phone number. Do the same in the log book.

Step 20. Watch your parcel get slid over about 8 feet to the customs part of the counter and wait for "that woman" who will come to remove your parcel from the giant rice bag with the zip tie.

Step 21. Wait.

Step 22. Watch as that woman finishes her tea and keep waiting.

Step 23. Close your eyes as that woman uses a very blunt x-acto to cut the zip strip and hope she doesn't slip and cut herself.

Step 24. Watch intently as she uses the same x-acto to slice open your parcel to see the contents inside.

Step 25. Take the claims form from the first woman who needed the ID who is waving it at you as if to say, "You forgot this you stupid mzungu."

Step 26. Explain to the customs lady that Diary of a Wimpy Kid is a series for kids while she flips meticulously through the book to decide if maybe you should pay duty or if maybe you are trying to promote immoral lifestyles.

Step 27. Watch as the package is taped back up with large strips of packing tape and hope that the actual books are not being taped shut.

Step 28. Politely refuse when asked if you want your package put back into the giant rice sac and sealed with another zip strip.

Step 29. Finally hold your parcel and walk 6 steps to the door. 6 steps. Honestly. Just 6.

Step 30. Show the guard, who is now awake and who has been watching the whole process since "that woman" showed up with the x-acto knife, your claims form and have him look at the form and the package to make sure that you didn't magically steal a parcel from anyone else in the parcel area despite the fact you are the only one there.

Step 31. Run back to the van and drive away as quickly as possible before they decide there is another step you have to follow!


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